Grief and goodbyes

Ebenezer stones representing what we're remembering and taking away from SPLICE

The last few days of  SPLICE were appropriately focused on grief and goodbyes. Not anyone's favorite topic, but a very necessary one in the highly mobile missionary life. I appreciated the opportunity to evaluate how to value relationships more in the goodbyes rather than simply pulling away quickly or prematurely to avoid pain. Insulating oneself against the pain can result in also insulating against the joys. If the relationship is valued, goodbyes should hurt! In addition to goodbyes to loved ones, we also talked about some of the other losses of missionary life that need to be grieved. Each of the below items resonated with me as things I did feel were lost in Kenya and expect to lose again in France/Burundi or already have during this transition year.

1) Stable Nest or Home. Loss of the familiar place offering warmth and security. This is especially relevant this year as each of the McCropders have felt "homeless" for a short or long period of time. It's a continuous stress to be on the road, living out of a suitcase, always a house guest. And though we are so, so thankful for the incredible hospitality of so many, we do look forward to "settling" for 10 months in France for language school before finally reaching our homes in Burundi. 

2) Safety. "This loss is likely the most underestimated in missions. Not judged merely by what has happened to you but by what could happen and what has happened to others." Coming from a culture that highly values safety, comfort, and justice, this is a definite concern that needs to be considered in depth and not glossed over. In Kenya, the loss manifested itself for me in a loss of independence. I never went anywhere by myself except the hospital. That was a challenge given my comfort in doing things myself in the U.S. 

3) Competence. This is a big one! To go back to being a toddler again in my ability to communicate is a huge stress. Arriving in Kenya just out of residency with almost no tropical medicine training and suddenly responsible for training interns was a huge blow to my sense of competence. That's why I kept writing about God's strength in weakness! So God does bring good from the loss, but it is a legitimate grief. 

4) Identity. So who are we now? Some of my fellow SPLICE missionaries are no longer pastors or teachers but are now language learners. I, too, won't be practicing medicine for the next year and a half as I focus on learning French and Kirundi. So for now I've lost the doctor identity. In Kenya, I remember feeling like I'd lost a lot of my identity. No one knew my family or history. I'd had an identity of being interested in missions and always traveling, but that wasn't really relevant when I was actually on the mission field. 

5) Support system. "Welcome to a vocation that is a revolving door of relationships." The support system back in the U.S. is no longer adequate. New roots need to be put down. I definitely missed my church, my small group, my like-minded friends. Thankfully, God provided a new support system in Kenya - especially with the McCropder team - and so I look forward to building on that more in France and Burundi. 

6) Quickly and easily attained goals. Wouldn't it be nice if I could snap my fingers and automatically learn the language? And if other cultures valued efficiency and productivity like Americans do? :) I am learning to be more relationship and less task oriented, but that's an uphill battle. I pray especially for a gift of supernatural patience in dealing with the loss of quickly and easily attained goals!

Prayers grieving our losses in these various areas

 The last day of SPLICE we said goodbye to our friends. This was surprisingly difficult. In just a few weeks, we'd become quite close. There were 45 adults & 32 kids heading to 20 countries (most in sensitive parts of the world where security will be a definite concern). Given the emotionally intense nature of the course, the shared meals and free time and late night games, and our like-minded purposes and similar experiences, our friendships grew deep a lot quicker than expected. I miss that community now. But I also look forward to random meetings around the world in the years to come.

John (fellow World Harvest missionary headed to South Sudan), Norman family (Cambodia), Robin (SPLICE instructor from S. Africa), Hinton family (headed to Paris - hope to see them during language school in France)

Fellow sub-Saharan Africa missionary - the Owen family will be relatively nearby :) in Malawi

Judy & Alan Norman - OB/Gyn and Med/Peds docs headed to Cambodia

Nate & Bethany Johnson headed to Austria

Psalm 139:

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.

TCK

What is a TCK? A third culture kid is "an individual who having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than the parents' culture, develops a sense of relationship to all the cultures, while not having full ownership in any. Elements from each culture are incorporated into the life experience, but the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar experience."

So basically, as a result of cross cultural experiences growing up, TCKs end up with a unique third culture that is not quite their parents' culture but also not completely their host culture. As you can imagine, this results in blessings as well as challenges. In the end, there's no way to separate out what's "American" and what's "French" (or Kenyan, Burundian, etc.) - the different aspects of cultures are thoroughly mixed in the individual. This can result in an identity crisis (belonging "everywhere and nowhere") if kids aren't fully grounded in their identity in Christ and aren't encouraged in their own unique personality and culture.

Rachel and Maria (Cambodia TCKs) and I with deer bones found at MTI

TCKs (N Africa and Honduras) rock climbing in Colorado

TCKs generally enjoy amazing life experiences. They can start stories with, "When I was alligator hunting..." or "When I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro..." They live a much bigger, much less ethnocentric worldview than their American peers. They may speak multiple languages. Their best friend may be the neighbor living in a mud hut or another TCK from somewhere else in the world. If they're also missionary kids, they may get the opportunity to be involved in ministry in unique ways like Anna P. and Anna F. helping hold babies in the nursery in Kenya.

One challenge they typically face is that of high mobility. Their families frequently cross the globe. The average length of time a missionary family stays in one place is 18 months. This can lead to pretty significant "unsettling" in kids' lives. And even if they don't move, those around them are constantly coming and going, too. Short term missions teams come and go. They connect with another missionary kid for a few months and then they're gone. If they don't learn to grieve these goodbyes, they can end up living a dis-engaged life as they grow up - not committing or deepening relationships with people or places to avoid the pain of goodbyes.

Saying goodbye to friends at MTI with Nadya (TCK headed to Russia)

Goodbye to Hannah and Rachel (moving to Cambodia)

Goodbye to my newest pediatric TCK patient 

So, why am I interested in TCKs? Why this blog post? Well, a couple reasons:

1) I'm aunt (and pediatrician) to lots of TCKs. Paradoxically, it's both sad and difficult to live far from biologic family but also such a joy and blessing to experience the unique "family" bonds that form on the mission field. I take my role of auntie to the missionary kids seriously. I've already packed some of the toys and craft supplies to bring to Burundi for the kids to play with at my house! And they emphasized at MTI the positive impact a non-parent adult can have on TCKs in encouraging them in their identity in Christ, involving them in ministry, and listening to them in their struggles.

2) I'm friends to adult TCKs.

Jason and John both grew up as missionary kids in Africa and are adult TCKs. Which means that more than half of our McCropder team is composed of TCKs.

3) I realized recently that I actually have a lot of TCK characteristics myself.

I definitely experienced high mobility growing up. I lived in seven cities (five states) before age 18 (as a business kid, not a missionary kid). And in retrospect, I didn't learn to say goodbye well. From ages 13-16 (a significant part of my developmental years), my family lived in a completely different culture on the Mexican border. I learned Spanish, developed cross cultural friendships, and participated in ministry in both Mexico and South Texas. At age 13, I did not adapt well - the chaos phase of transition was long and painful! But the transforming process of those three years was significant in improving my adaptability and cultural flexibility, widening my worldview, and heightening my interest in other cultures and places. So maybe I'm a TCK, too!

If you're interested in reading more, I recommend the book "Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds" by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken

SPLICE: Conflict

To read the paradoxical story of this big tree, click here.

I continue to learn so much through this missionary training course. It's been valuable for reviewing and debriefing my two years in Kenya, considering how to engage with the cultures and languages in France and Burundi, and reflecting on handling life's events such as adversity, conflict, transitions, stress, differences, goodbyes.

A common statistic quoted in missionary circles is that the number one reason missionaries leave the mission field is conflict with other missionaries. I'm so thankful for my team and how God has knit us together and even grafted in new members over the last year. By His grace, we lived/worked/socialized/ministered/worshipped together for two years in Kenya and miraculously still really enjoy being together. We've made big group decisions by collaborating until everyone was on the same page. I know conflict is inevitable, but we pray God will continue to enable us to be peacemakers for each other and for those around us.

In light of all that, though, two days of this missionary training were focused on conflict. I was unaware of this before, but it turns out that there are five conflict languages just like there are five love languages. Maturity in conflict involves flexibility in speaking another person's conflict language instead of just your own. We each identified our primary conflict language, joined small groups accordingly, and discussed the strengths and weaknesses of our conflict style and that of the other four. The next day, we intersected with each of the other groups and shared positive feedback as well as constructive criticism. Our assignment also included individual phone calls to a friend or teammate and a family member to discuss our conflict styles, how that affects others, and what we could improve on.

The whole exercise, while emotionally draining, was incredibly insightful. I had always just assumed I was terrible at conflict because I'm an avoider, but I learned there are strengths as well as weaknesses in that style. I also have hope for improvement in the weakness areas and in learning to speak other conflict languages. I look forward to discussing these unique evaluations with my teammates more when we are all together in France and trust the conversation will be valuable in continuing to establish team unity and love.

So, what's your conflict language?

1) Shark - Competing style. Goals are highly important, relationships less so. Conflicts settled by one person winning and another losing. Advantages - useful with quick decision/action is required, when important policies must be implemented, when being right is what matters most, when the issue is trivial and others don't care what happens. High assertiveness in conflict, low cooperativeness.

2) Fox - Compromising style. In seeking a compromise, they give up part of their goals and persuade the other person to do the same. Win a little, lose a little solution. Valuable when goals of both parties are moderately important but not worth fighting for, when a quick solution is required and both parties can give up something, when time pressures don't allow a search for a mutually satisfying solution. Medium assertiveness and cooperativeness.

3) Turtle - Avoiding style. Withdrawal to avoid conflicts. May result in slow death of relationships. Useful in postponing tension, when risk outweighs gain, when others can solve the problem more effectively, when the issues are small. Low assertiveness and cooperativeness in conflict.

4) Teddy bear - Accommodating style. Relationship is of great importance, their personal agenda less so. People pleasers. Smooth over conflict for fear of harming the relationship. Useful to preserve harmony, prevent competition, when issues are not important to the individual. Low assertiveness and high cooperativeness.

5) Owl - Collaborating style. High value of both their goals and their relationships. View conflicts as problems to be solved and seek a solution everyone will be happy with. Want all tensions and negative feelings to be fully resolved. Advantageous in mutual exploration of new approaches and mutual resolution of conflict. Results in win/win permanent solution. Can be time consuming and result in analysis paralysis. High assertiveness and high cooperativeness.

Colorado

As I continue my missionary training here in Colorado, I'm also thoroughly enjoying the friends, beauty, and opportunities around me on weekends. 

 Chapel at Air Force Academy with McLaughlins

 

 Adventures in Odyssey at Focus on the Family. Confession: I still listen to Odyssey on occasion - great stories!

 The Wardrobe "from" Narnia. I also re-read the Narnia books annually. Strangely, I enjoy these "kids" stories much more now than I did when I was a child.

 Lunch with the Hedges, sweet friends from Kenya

 Garden of the gods with McLaughlins

 Garden of the gods with new friends from MTI - the Normans, doctors heading to Cambodia

 Weekend with high school friend Brandie. Having moved a lot growing up, it's a special blessing to have a friend who has known me since I was 13 - and to still be in touch despite both of us living in multiple countries since then.

 I got to feed a baby bunny with a dropper at the Lawrence's house - a first, for sure!

 The Lawrence family

 Pike's Peak

Isn't God's creation magnificent?!!!

Language acquisition training

Mission Training International in Palmer Lake, Colorado

PILAT class

Language helper small group

For the last two weeks, I've been exploring concepts of language acquisition training at Mission Training Institute in Colorado. Like the tropical medicine course, I've definitely learned a lot that would have been helpful before (in learning Swahili), but I'm thankful to now be able to build on that language learning experience with new techniques and ideas. The course is tailored for missionaries preparing to live in another culture who will need to learn one, two, or even three new languages to be able to live, work, and communicate the gospel effectively.

One portion of the class involved phonics drills. The English language contains 44 sounds (Spanish has 29 and French 36 sounds for a reference point). One family in our class is learning a Cambodian language with more than 100 sounds! At birth we each had the capacity to produce any of hundreds (thousands?) of sounds the human mouth can make, but we didn't need them all, so we "locked in" to our language's sounds. But the point of the phonics training was to retrain our ears and our mouths to hear new sounds and to make non-English sounds that we may need in our new languages. We learned how to watch our helper's mouth and decipher what their tongue, lips, etc. were doing will making the new sounds. ("You can't speak French with an English mouth.") And we did lots of mimicking - sounding like infants (gagaga), but enjoying the challenge! I did discover three big things I was doing wrong when speaking Spanish, so hopefully my pronunciation will improve there! (Not that I'm speaking a lot of Spanish these days, but you never know when it will come in handy.)

The other major portion of the class was exploring techniques and ideas for learning a new language, especially in a non-language school setting (like me learning Kirundi in Burundi). The main point driven home was that it is up to us, the language learners, to take ownership of our learning rather than sitting back and waiting for someone to teach us. Listening and listening activities are a huge part of that, but so are techniques to begin practicing language in the community from the first day. We each practiced some of these activities with sample language helpers (from the community here who spoke French, German, & Russian). The point was to learn techniques and see them applied, but it worked out well that our group had a French language helper. I enjoyed getting started on French and understand a few more phrases than I did two weeks ago!

One of my classmates described the course as being "soberly encouraging". I agree. The course facilitators definitely didn't sugar coat the difficulty that is language learning, but they also presented it as a do-able task. They encouraged us to persevere, to take breaks when needed, to view the language learning time as part of God's calling (rather than only preparation for His calling) & to jump into the community and practice our new language daily with nationals (identifying ourselves as language learners).

You may remember when I visited Burundi last year and the Faders and I tried to play a simple game with the medical students. It took four languages (English, French, Kirundi, Swahili) before the game was fully understood by the students. We purposed then to learn all four languages (well, I think we have English down by now) in order to communicate as comfortably as possible in our new community. That's a pretty daunting task, but I'm ready to get started - in God's strength!

1 Corinthians 14: 9-12
"...if with your tongue you utter speech that is not intelligible, how will anyone know what is said? For you will be speaking into the air. There are doubtless many different languages in the world, and none is without meaning, but if I do not know the meaning of the language, I will be a foreigner to the speaker and the speaker a foreigner to me. So with yourselves, since you are eager for the manifestations of the Spirit, strive to excel in building up the church."

Container shower

Wow!  It's been so amazing to discover people all around the U.S. who share my passion for serving the least of these and have enthusiastically decided to partner with me in my work in Burundi. God has blessed me through His people abundantly more than I could have ever asked or imagined! One very thoughtful gift from a friend in Birmingham was a "container shower". Our team will be sending a shared container over to Burundi with items for our houses and ministries that will be difficult to obtain there. To read more about the purchasing of the container and to see a picture of it, click here. So Sarah creatively threw me a container shower to donate things like tupperware, coffee pots, zip lock bags, office supplies, and kids' craft supplies for our life and ministry in Burundi. I was completely humbled and speechless by the incredible generosity of so many! What a fun blessing it will be to unpack these gifts from the container in Burundi and remember the friends and even strangers who have partnered with me and are praying for me from across the ocean!

Birmingham friends at the shower 

(and my sweet mom who drove 6 hours in one day to come just for the shower!)

My first shower ever!

 Thanks so much, Sarah!

And, along with these tangible gifts, I also am incredibly encouraged by the financial support of so many. I'm now at 92% of my monthly goal and at 82% of my one time goal. If you would like more information about how to help me reach these goals and how to partner with me in teaching medical students and caring for patients in Burundi, email me (alyssapfister@hotmail.com). You can also donate online at: http://www.whm.org/give/missionary?ID=51375. Bwana asifiye! (Praise the Lord in Swahili - I need to learn how to say this in French and Kirundi!)

Carmen Sandiego

Where in the world is....? Or actually, in the U.S. is Alyssa? So I arrived back in Nashville from Peru April 1. And from there I quickly resumed my pre-Peru "routine" of work (as a hospitalist in Birmingham), support raising, and travel - bringing the count up to 20 states since September. But thankfully, as someone said to me recently, I'm a "high-energy" person and actually really enjoy the activity and the meeting up with new and old friends. And I appreciate the opportunity to talk about what I love and share my enthusiasm for this amazing work of God with those I encounter along the way.  The schedule does get tiring, but I'm thankful God knit me together for this part of the journey as well as for the time ahead on the ground in Burundi. And I've been so blessed by the hospitality, encouragement, friendship, and financial support of so many over the last few months.

Pictures from April:

 I shared a bit of my story and vision with West End Community Church in Nashville at all three services this weekend. What an immense blessing to me this partnering church has been and continues to be!

 Medical friends in Birmingham with a shared passion for serving the "least of these" around the world

 Stopped in New Orleans for beignets (harbinger of good food to come in France!) on my way to speak to Christian medical students at the Louisiana State University medical school. Also spoke to pre-med students at LSU in Baton Rouge. Loved the enthusiasm of these students as they asked insightful questions and visibly desired to serve God through medicine around the world. 

 Sweet friend and fellow med-peds doc Trish (and roommate during residency)

 After seeing the Amazon River in Peru, I was interested to see (and touch:)) the Mississippi River in Louisiana.

 So, "B" cities - Birmingham, Baton Rouge, Boston. :) Loved spending time with my long time friend Shannon (from college - another former roommate!) and her husband and four children in Cambridge and Boston. Above picture taken at Boston Commons pond.

 Clara and I ran the Boston Marathon in 89 degree temperatures up Heartbreak Hill - for about 5 minutes. :) Wow, those real runners were amazing! What an amazing example of perseverance!

 Shannon and I drove up to New Hampshire one day to hang out with another college friend and her boys who recently returned to the U.S. after living in India.Well worth the drive to be together!

 Lots of fun time was spent on playgrounds in Boston! (where the above picture was taken)

 I'm so thankful to be in the States for all the festivities leading up to my youngest sister's wedding in June. We enjoyed a fabulously special wedding weekend just the girls in Charleston.

My mom, sisters, and I - love these women!

And finally, friends visited Burundi last week and emailed pictures of the construction of the guesthouse at the hospital - where we'll live our first few months until our homes are built. Looks like it's coming along well!

So, what's next? Another week working in Birmingham and then I'm off to Colorado for five weeks of missionary training and language acquisition training at Mission Training International. Thanks for continuing to follow along on this journey. Please continue praying for me and my team!

Safe

Is it safe there?

This is probably the most common question people ask me when they hear I'm going to Burundi. It's a difficult question to answer. Burundi has been relatively stable for the last 5 years or so since their civil war ended, but relative means a lot in that part of the world. Compared to living in suburban America, there probably is increased risk of robbery, rebel activity, disease, and war. But in residency in 2009, my house was broken into and my computer was stolen in Birmingham, Alabama, so location doesn't mean everything.

It's interesting to me, though, that safety is the first thing most people think of. And I consider it as well and take precautions as much as possible - leaving valuables behind, not traveling after dark or alone, taking malaria prophylaxis and getting vaccinated for diseases like rabies and yellow fever.

But why is safety such a big concern? Does the Bible speak to this? I realized this week that the reason Peter denied Jesus was because of concern for his own safety - legitimate concern, too, as one of the people who asked him if he knew Jesus was a relative of the guard whose ear Peter had cut off. I'm guessing they would have been happy to crucify Jesus' followers along with him. But Peter was afraid of harm, so he fell to temptation and denied knowing his Lord. The result: Peter went out and wept bitterly. Jesus, of course, knew this would happen, but his response was to pray for Peter that his faith would not fail, to die for even that sin of prioritizing personal safety over declaring belief in Christ, and, after his resurrection, to demonstrate his love for Peter in giving him the responsibility to care for his flock.

Shortly thereafter Peter preached to thousands, was imprisoned for his faith, and ultimately was crucified. Read Peter's words below, likely spoken just a month or two after he denied Jesus.

Acts 4:9-12, 19-20

            Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them, “Rulers of the people and elders, 9 if we are being examined today concerning a good deed done to a crippled man, by what means this man has been healed, 10 let it be known to all of you and to all the people of Israel that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well. 11 This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. 12 And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”...But Peter and John answered them, “Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge, 20 for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard.”

So what made the difference? Peter sounds like a different person, fearless and full of faith, unconcerned for his safety. A sermon I heard in Boston recently answered this question for me: the dramatic change in Peter was a direct result of the Resurrection. If we truly believe that Jesus conquered death and was miraculously raised to life again, our lives will look different. In faith we will trust and boldly proclaim that death has been conquered and thus it now lacks its sting. As a popular Easter song proclaims, "the glory of God has defeated the night."

I'm not suggesting we cancel our health insurance or wander around in dark alleys unnecessarily, and I still intend to get vaccinated against meningitis before heading to Burundi, but I am considering more these days what it means to count the cost. What does it look like to follow Peter's example and disregard personal safety for the Kingdom of God as a result of belief in Jesus' resurrection?